With Aamir Khan's "Taare Zameen Par" appealing the masses, the actor has
surely made an impressive directorial debut. The sensitivity with
which he
has handled the subject is worth appreciating. However, one of the
forwards
related to the film being sent around on emails talks about what TZP
would
be like if the film was made by some other Bollywood filmmakers.
If Karan Johar made Taare Zameen Par …
Obvious starcast: Shah Rukh Khan as the arts teacher (duh duh
duh!!), Aryan
Khan as the dyslexic child (even if he could not act for nuts), Rani
Mukerjee as the kid's mom (assuming Kajol is unavailable), Abhishek
Bachchan
as the kid's dad, Amitabh Bachchan as the school principal (who
cares if the
role is ultra minute, he can afford it).
It would be shot in New York to appeal to the NRI audience.
The story line would obviously be different. SRK would fall for the
dyslexic
kid's mom. The last scene would have the mom running to the teacher
rather
than the kid. And again, like in so many other movies, SRK would get
someone
else's girl.
It would have one dance number.
The film would be titled "Kuch Taare Zameen Par"
If Sanjay Leela Bhansali made Taare Zameen Par …
Obvious starcast: Salman as the teacher, Rani as the mother.
Of course the whole film would be shot on elaborate sets. The school
would
be nothing short of Harvard University.
An orchestra would play every time anyone cried.
Slow motion, different camera angles for every scene.
The school uniforms would match the classroom walls even though that
does
not make a f***ing difference.
The film would cost INR 60 crores.
If Farah Khan made Taare Zameen Par …
Obvious starcast: SRK as the teacher (yawn).
In the original TZP, Aamir makes an entry at the interval point. In
Farah's
version, SRK would be on screen on for 2.30 hrs out of the 2.45 hrs and
would be introduced in the first scene itself.
The story would be changed to make sure the above happened. The
focus of the
film would be a teacher who helps the kid fight dyslexia.
To make it a complete entertainer, there would be a romantic angle,
comedy,
and action thrown in. Oh idea!! Nikumbh's character likes another
teacher
and the kiddo helps him… throw in some comedy moments there and you have
romance and comedy settled.
For action… hmm.. lemme see.. Oh yah, the kid gets kidnapped and the
teacher
fights the baddies to save him. Wow!! I'm quite an imaginative
writer. I can
see how Farah can write a film from scratch in two weeks straight.
The film posters would have a big SRK with the tiny image of the kid
in the
background.
If Rakesh Roshan made Taare Zameen Par …
Obvious starcast: Hrithik Roshan as the teacher.
Since Rakesh Roshan cannot think beyond science fiction these days, this
film would have that too. Instead of dyslexia, the kid would have
alienositis or something, a condition induced due to him witnessing
an alien
abduction.
Instead of Nikumbh being an arts teacher, he would be a physics
teacher, and
instead of asking kids to be creative, he would ask them to
challenge the
science we know.
In the scene where Nikumbh asks the kids to open their minds and make
whatever they want outdoors, the kid Ishaan, instead of making a
boat, would
end up making a working spaceship prototype.
Nikumbh would cure the kids problem by making a full fledged version
of the
kid's prototype, traveling to the alien planet, and asking them to
give the
kid his powers back.
The film would have music by Rajesh Roshan ripped off from some
world music.
The film's name would again start with a K probably '*Kuch Aliens
Taaron Se
Zameen Par*'.
The director would make sure Hrithik gets to show all his abilities.
This
would mean a scene with Roshan Jr flexing his muscles and a dance
competition in the end, instead of an arts competition.
If Priyadarshan made Taare Zameen Par …
Obvious starcast: Akshay Kumar as the teacher, Paresh Rawal as the kid's
dad.
It would be a brainless comedy. The kid's dyslexia would be made fun of.
Half the times the parents will be running after the kid from one
room to
the other and that, in the director's opinion, would be funny.
The film will be full of sex jokes. So for example, when Akshay
would come
to the parents telling them that their son has dyslexia, the
ignorant father
would say something inappropriate like 'iss umar mein? par kaise, woh to
hamesha boys school mein padha hai!'. And yes, the director would
think it
is funny.
In the climax of the film, all the characters in the film would run
around
in the amphitheater for no reason, spilling colors on each other. That's
where the film will end, without any logical conclusion.
And of course, Paresh Rawal would emote like an epileptic himself,
making us
question the boy's mental abilities anyway.
